You may think it’s an easy question to answer especially when you are at this stage of life. Let’s see, first I need to take a look at my mistakes, my failures, my biggest heartaches, my biggest fears, my wins and losses. Then I could suggest to younger self what to avoid to not have to suffer these painful events again. Nope! It doesn’t work that way.
Let’s assume that I ran into my younger self say – at Starbucks. Even if there was a way to speak to her as myself and to tell my younger self anything it would not be effective. Her journey would never be the same as mine. I could not have dreamed of the opportunities that are available to her now. We live in different times. Meet different people. Have different experiences. The sum of all that would be different lives and I would not want to influence that journey. No two lives, even if seemingly shared, travel the same road.
She has to make her own mistakes and learn from them. Experience her own failures and start over. Suffer every heartache and find greater love because of it. Conquer her own fears and find the courage to rise above them. Face the unthinkable if faced with a serious illness like cancer and, as I did, find the strength to get through it. In other words, live her own life. But I wouldn’t leave her totally without some words of support.
No, I can’t go back in time or even exist in the same time to help her benefit from the challenges that I faced. But if somehow I could I would talk to her like I talk so many women that I befriend and mentor. I would tell her not what to avoid but what to keep in mind as she traveled through life. Be fearless not timid. Be bold not weak. Be respectful not rude. Be honest not deceitful. Be giving not greedy. Be humble not boastful. Be loving not cold. And above all else – be YOU!!
Susan Lipman says
XOXO
jack suess says
Clolita,
This is a wonderful blog post.
What most of us see as parents is how we give advice to our children — an advantage to the younger.
What is interesting to me is my two sons are amazing! Saying that, they didn’t have to go through the trauma of losing their father at 13 (thankfully :-)). That fact, both gave me unique advantages and disadvantages that they didn’t have to address. I say this because rarely are are we able to “relive” our live through someone else. I lucked out in majoring in math and computer science in 1980 at the beginning of the IT revolution.
For me, the sadness and challenge of losing a father at 13 forced me to be more responsible than my peers and encouraged me to go to college (in the mid-70’s) when none of my friends felt college was worth it. I initially went to be an engineer and ended up a Math/CS major. My sons are both great, though very different, their life is different than mine because I lucked out and succeeded in life. As a result, we have been able to help them both in different ways and give them the advantages that the upper-middle class have always given to their children. This doesn’t mean they were destined for success, it just meant that they had to mess up to not be successful.
That fact, messing up, versus lucking out, is the difference that wealth makes in our society. Through luck, I did well at UMBC to succeed. That allowed me to live in one of the best school districts in Maryland (Howard County – Centennial) and my kids thrived and did well in college and beyond. They would have to messed up to NOT succeed, given the advantages they had. How do we as a society end this lottery where some kids end up in great schools, with great opportunities and others don’t.
Clolita Vitale says
Jack – thank you so much for sharing these deeply personal thoughts. As the man I know you to be – your children are extremely fortunate to have had your example. Not having been a parent, I know it fills you with immense pride. I gained so much by watching my nieces and nephews and those many students and children whom I have mentored and loved over the years grow and become wonderful adults.